Crane - Intro Assignment

[Crane]

Welcome to my intro assignment! I'm going to be roleplaying my ever-so-lovely Cranefeather, who as most of you know is evil. Evil in cat form. However, he has a soft spot for his pregnant mate, Riverstar, even if she does irritate him. Basically in this post he's trying to decide what he's going to do about Riverstar - he loves her, but does he love power more?

Cranefeather
Step one is your heart
Rip it up for another
I'm so beside myself tonight
So beside myself tonight

The sky was so clear tonight. Every single star was etched onto the sky in bright, sparkling silver. Silverpelt, as the Clans knew it. Was StarClan up there right now? Watching him? Did they approve of what he was trying to do?
Well, who cared, anyway? Certainly not Cranefeather! This was what he believed he was supposed to be doing. Fixing the forest. Healing the four-way rift. He was halfway finished, with the ThunderClan-RiverClan alliance! Now, if he and Duskstar could force WindClan and ShadowClan in submission, there would be no more famines. No more wars.
Wasn't it ironic that it would take a war to end the rest of the wars?
Cranefeather's ears pricked. He could hear someone! He whisked around, but he only saw Muskflower. Ah, his watch was over, then. He nodded politely to the tabby she-cat before slipping into the Leader's den, where his mate, Riverstar was already asleep. With a gentle purr, he snuggled into her side, white and black fur mixing. Despite his mate next to him and the relaxing cool air, Cranefeather couldn't get to sleep.
He knew why. Duskstar had told him a few days ago that Riverstar must go. No way out of it. Although Cranefeather himself had considered it more than once, it was still shocking to be told he had to get rid of her. He'd procrastinated, informing Duskstar that, if Duskstar got his kit, why shouldn't Cranefeather get his?
So now he had until the kits came to think of a plan to get rid of the only cat he had truly loved. Choosing between a love of power and a love for his mate... And he'd chosen power.
He'd already thought about it on his watch. After the kits were weaned, he'd tell the Clan what Riverstar had done - killed Silverstar, the previous leader. Of course, leaving out the part where he planned it, and actually took her last life... Nevertheless, Cranefeather wouldn't have gotten this far without his lying skills. And besides, he'd heard whispers. Nobody trusted him and Riverstar. If he outed her, maybe that'd earn their trust.
His mind made up, he managed to fall into a troubled, uneasy sleep.

[FireFlyDragon]

First off Craneh I’d like to say I always thought your RPing was great and needed no improvement overall; though once in a while I’d pick things out that bothered me a bit. Anyway, I’ll do my best to evaluate this; might be a bit hard for me as your post is already still amazing XD

I’d like to mention though how much more description this post seems to have compared to some of the others I’ve read, and for being museless this is quite a well done piece. The only thing I can squirm about is how you go about doing it. Not to say you aren’t good at describing, your actually one of the few around who I feel tries to grasp the concept. –apologies to everyone! Hehe ^^;- Its just that I’ve never really feel enraptured with your posts, unable to tear away or…you get what I mean.

The big thing here is theres being descriptive, and then simply describing…It makes no sense I know but I’ll try to explain my warped thinking to you. The writing I feel, although it gets the point across it seems such a dull way of doing it. For me I think you need to try and elaborate on the describing, putting in a few more words that are different and can really pull someone in…

Perhaps the best way of showing you –and everyone- this is by an example. As such below…

~*~*~

“Cranefeather's ears pricked. He could hear someone! He whisked around, but he only saw Muskflower.”

“The tom’s ears pricked; shifting as slight movements of flora and fur alike prickled his senses. Whisking around, his orbs sought for the disturbance of his calculating thoughts. But it was merely a she-cat clanmate, appearing to relieve him of his long self-conflicting watch.”

What I have done with this piece is simply added in more words; some telling the reader of Cranefeather’s actions, what he reacted to, and what caused the reaction. You used the word ‘someone’ in the above quote, which makes everyone assume whats coming is a cat. I feel as if I’ve added suspense possibly by making the creature disturbing him vague, uneasy to guess. Well, as much as that was possible. I think the biggest thing I’m trying to say is elaborate a bit and use interesting vocab, as that will draw the reader in; especially if they have to go and look up the word in the dictionary XD

Well! If you got somewhat of what I was trying to say then good work, if you didn’t no hard feelings. I hardly knew how to put what I meant into words 83 If you want you can redo this post to see if you can improve and such, but whatever you feel is right XD Also ask if some of this doesn’t make sense, I won’t hurt you <3