Crane's Guide to Essays

[Crane]

First Things First...
Well, my English teacher this year is painfully into essays. Stupid advanced English! I thought we'd be writing stories!
*ahem* Anyway, I totally forgot how to write essays. So I'm writing a guide, so I don't have to trawl through all the files on my computer, and so everyone else there can use it. Even though nobody probably will, at least I feel good about myself.
So if you have nothing better to do, you may as well read it! Enjoy everyone.
*Um, this stuff isn't really mine. I'm rewriting some documents our English teacher made us type up last year...
Most Importantly...
HAMBURGER.
Remember this word, and you shall always write a half-decent essay. An essay is just like a hamburger, except it wouldn't be a very good idea to eat one!
To begin with, you have the introduction. The bun on top of the burger.
Then, in the middle, the main bodies - the tasty parts in the middle. These main bodies are the key point to the essay, just as the meat, cheese and whatever else you put in a hamburger. Remember to keep these all completely seperate - you wouldn't like it very much if someone put ingredients in a blender, smacked it in a bun and gave it to you, eh?
Finally, you have the conclusion, or the bottom of the hamburger. Without it, everything falls apart. The conclusion is a neat little ending which just goes over everything that's already been said.
The Introduction...
The introduction is simple to write, and it'll also help you plan out your essay. They're always one paragraph long, without exception.
If your essay is based around a book, movie etc., give details such as the author/director, the name and the type of story (eg. fantasy) and anything else you think may interest whoever is reading your essay. Not too much pointlessness however - we don't care about the main characters and that sort of thing just yet.
Most importantly, you must dicuss the essay topic. Before you start your essay you will be given one of these. Decide whether you agree or disagree, and put this in as well.
Once you have all of this, there's one more thing you have to put in, an 'essay map.' It's not as detailed as the name suggests. Simply, you quickly list the subjects of your main bodies. For example, lemons, bananas and watermelons. Then you're finished!
The Main Bodies...
You can have anywhere from three to six main bodies in an essay - maybe two if you're really struggling for time. Not recommended for good marks.
Now, for main bodies, we have a wonderful little acronym known simply as TEEL.
The T is for topic sentence - the sentence which introduces your paragraph. This should be interesting to capture the reader's attention. The formula for writing a topic senctence is words from the essay question plus one main point. Works every time.
E and E stand for evidence and explanation. Use quotes, examples and anything you can think of to prove your point, and remember, use words from the essay question all the way through the paragraph to show how you are answering the question.
The L is for link sentence. This is also always one sentence, and is used to tie the paragraph off. Phrases such as therefore, as a result, it is clear that are all very effective. Use these in each main body and you'll have an effective essay.
The Conclusion...
Once again - one paragraph. You need to restate your point of view on the topic in a confident and final manner. Go over your key points. It needs to sound like your ideas have progressed since the intro - finishing off with a relevant quote can be a good way to finish your essay.
Hints And Tips

• Never refer to yourself in the essay
  
• Use present tense rather than past tense, e.g She fell She falls
  
• If you're typing it up on a computer, use narrow margins
  
• Use formal, sophisticated language. Don't contract words, and use big fancy words so you sound very smart. Shift+F7 is handy if you're using Microsoft Word. Also, I recommend thesaurus.com and stuff like that.

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The End...
Wow, I'm impressed you paid attention this long. Congratulations, you're awesome.
Thankyou for taking the time to read this, and if you have anything I should add, please tell me![/blockquote]