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Post by wolfwind on Mar 15, 2010 14:22:32 GMT -5
The old brown tom was curled under the dappled leaves that had blown into his nest from the falling leaves. His old mangy body wasn't used to such frisky weather and the leaves were a great way to keep warmth. Plus to add onto the leaves, he couldn't hear so well now so the crinkling of the leaves crunching under his brown pawsteps didn't startle him much.
However, Brownleaf did hear a voice calling his name from outside the elders' den. "What's all the racket?" he mumbled in his sleep. His ears twitched at the squeaky little voice till he realized it was an apprentice. With his soft spot of the apprentices dwelling in his heart, he lifted his muzzle out of the warmth to see that it was the black and white spotted tom, Littlepaw, running towards him. He purred gently and made an effort to stand up on his weak legs. Littlepaw had something in his mouth that was very hard to make visible. Luckily, Brownleaf's gift to scent things wasn't dying away and he could tell it was a vole that Littlepaw had caught.
It was the middle of leaf-fall and as Brownleaf watched the apprentice come in, he couldn't help but to burst with pride. "Well, if it isn't Littlepaw! You've made quite a catch there, dear apprentice." Brownleaf said gently as he chuckled in his throat.
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Post by it's FiSHY, scaredy-cat. on Mar 18, 2010 15:00:51 GMT -5
Sorry about the delay xD You did a good job! Let's first take a look at how well you assessed the point of the lesson, though. "The old brown tom was curled under the dappled leaves that had blown into his nest from the falling leaves. His old mangy body wasn't used to such frisky weather and the leaves were a great way to keep warmth. Plus to add onto the leaves, he couldn't hear so well now so the crinkling of the leaves crunching under his brown pawsteps didn't startle him much." This is good stuff, actually, though I think there's still room for good improvement. I feel like it could be grabbier. Try using the verb first for the first one or two sentences.Example: Racing was the speeding car, a fleeting blur down the rain-slick road, sure to crash any time soon.
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Post by wolfwind on Mar 20, 2010 14:44:09 GMT -5
Hmm. Yeah, I guess that's a way to do it. I'm just used to using Noun, verb, rest of sentence. But That works too. You're intro paragraph is your most important because it is the attention grabber.
Yes, thank you fishy.
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Post by it's FiSHY, scaredy-cat. on Mar 20, 2010 16:12:44 GMT -5
Awesome! ;3 Why don't you try it?
Oh - and yes, I have to agree with the noun, verb, rest of sentence thing. I'm used to that too, but I like to change things up specially for the intro. ^^
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